CW: suicide, death and other things
As I am weeks away from entering my mid 20s, the future seems to be coming in closer than ever. Perhaps that is why my impending quarter crisis is already kicking and screaming. Cause it is clear I am not getting any younger, even if I get mistaken for 19 (shoutout to my youthful face and chubby cheeks).
When I was younger, I honestly could not imagine the concept of a future. I just knew that the days will continue to go on, and I am coming along for the ride. I did not think about what I would be like, the concepts such as *whispers* marriage and…babies really and truly never crossed my mind. Despite that, I did always wanted to find a way to fit in, I never felt like I belonged here.
Then I figured out what I wanted to do, career wise. And for the first time, ever I started to plan out my life. I really planned out what I had to do even though I had no clue how to get there. And as i got older (early teens) I was becoming more specific in what I wanted to do. Go to Sheffield university(at the time it was actually a good uni for psychology) and then do a PhD (before I realised that would not qualify me to be a clinical psychologist) to even realising what the term is for what my title would be like. I really had a mental roadmap and that was my future.
Did I follow it? Absolutely not. But it made me realise that outside academia, outside a career I did not have a future envisioned at all. I could not even conceptualise aging. Yes I know I am getting older but actually thinking about reaching those ages was another question. When I was 16, I physically could not imagine being 18. When reaching 18, I couldnt imagine becoming 20. See the pattern? And mind you, as I mentioned before, I am turning 24 soon and it really hit me. I am actually still alive? I am literally living the future that younger me could not imagine. And that is trippy as fuck if you ask me.
It is not like I thought i was going to die, It was just, how can you visualise something that does not exist? How do i know what shit is going to be like in a year’s time, let alone 5. And ever since realising that suicide was not going to satisfy me either(a whole different thing in itself which I wont get into), I had to face the fact that a future does exist, even if that terrifies me like no other.
They say that depression is thinking about the past and anxiety is thinking about the future. Well shit, that explains why I got both. But you know what is funny? I struggle to think about my past, my childhood ect. It takes a lot of prompts and essentially triggering myself to even open up memories. And as i just explained, I cant and therefore dont imagine the future. So how the fuck does this work then?? What kinda oxymoron bullshit am I living in? Maybe that is why I have taken the whole ‘take it each day at the time’ kinda vibe.
We all experienced the pandemic in a different way, and it is clear to see that both world wide and personally, people have changed. And so have I. If you asked me, the pandemic has affected me more than I know. It made me confront(or terrorise if you asked me) these topics. It made me be alone with my thoughts and think properly, including my future. What do I want? Is there any point of planning? The answer- not really. As I could not imagine alllllllllll the things I went thru in a year and abit time. *narrator voice* it was a lot. I have become a new person, I am figuring out if it is a better or what i believe to be a worse version of myself. Perhaps I will write about the pandemic itself but let me not change the topic. So yes, it did made me think a lot more about the future.
So in some ways, I am in the future. Despite 13 year old me for example(using it as its a decade later) who did not know if I was able to see past the deep depression, loneliness, confusion and pain. I actually did, even if new trauma came along the way. I am probably exactly, maybe even more than I wanted for myself then. I did myself proud, even if current me does not feel like it. I know that if I went back, I would admire 23 year old me. She actually went through the academia she wanted. She got the friends she wanted. She is more herself now than she ever was before. Even managed to find someone she actually sees a future with. Clearly in this perspective my future is looking good. So if teenage me is happy, why am I still punishing myself? I am doing good despite all the tribulations I went through. I am still alive…ish, I am joking…small jokey joke.
So I think it is time to redefine what the future is, according to me. It does not have to mean I have to now get a 10 year plan going (cause honey a whole 33/34? I am not gonna even entertain thinking about how I would be like). Perhaps it is about no longer being scared to set shorter time goals. Right now I would want to apply for this diploma that i start in late 2021 or 2022. I would like to finally update my phone that I had since 2017(allow me I dont like changing phones). I need to send off this publication piece I need to edit smh. And lastly, to work on myself. To finally face things and take time to make my present self happy. Not the past self as she’s good, and not the future self as she does not exist. I need to be kinder to myself today. Before tomorrow arrives. If i can do all that, then that is all good with me. Anything else that comes my way, it is a bonus or a lesson I need to have. As long as my future looks like love, looks like kindness and compassion and as long as it looks like contentment, then my future will be shining bright. Will i remember this? At times no, but one day at the time right?
I hope you enjoyed this piece, it took me a while to think about what to write next after my last piece. Hopefully i find new topics to talk about. And if you manage to read until now, thank you. And I hope that your future is filled with everything you ever desired, and if not; for it to be beyond your wildest dreams.
